Right now, this is what you get for a post from me. Lots has happened with me and everything is just jumbled and I'm not sure how to put things together for a proper update. So....yeah.

What is your real name (or preferred name...)?
Where do I know you from/why did we add each other?
How old are you?
Interests or non-interests we have in common?
Where do you live?
Do you feel like we are really friends or just LJ friends?
Do you feel like you can trust me?
If we ever met in real life, would I get a hug?
Tell me about yourself?

I can't believe I dropped my laptop tonight and now there's a big line through the screen. :( 

And I *just* went to have it fixed not too long ago. Grrr. 

Honesty in Relationships

We can be honest and direct about our boundaries in relationships and about the parameters of a particular relationship.

Perhaps no area of our life reflects our uniqueness and individuality in recovery more than our relationships. Some of us are in a committed relationship. Some of us are dating. Some of us are not dating. Some of us are living with someone. Some of us wish we were dating. Some of us wish we were in a committed relationship. Some of us get into new relationships after recovery. Some of us stay in the relationship we were in before we began recovering.

We have other relationships too. We have friendships. Relationships with children, with parents, with extended family. We have professional relationships - relationships with people on the job.

We need to be able to be honest and direct in our relationships. One area we can be honest and direct about is the parameters of our relationships. We can define our relationships to people, an idea written about by Charlotte Kasl and others, and we can ask them to be honest and direct about defining their vision of the relationship with us.

It is confusing to be in relationships and not know where we stand - whether this is on the job, in a friendship, with family members, or in a love relationship. We have a right to be direct about how we define the relationship - what we want it to be. But relationships equal two people who have equal rights. The other person needs to be able to define the relationship too. We have a right to know, and ask. So do they.

Honesty is the best policy.

We can set boundaries. If someone wants a more intense relationship than we do, we can be clear and honest about what we want, about our intended level of participation. We can tell the person what to reasonably expect from us, because that is what we want to give. How the person deals with that is his or her issue. Whether or not we tell the person is ours.

We can set boundaries and define friendships when those cause confusion.

We can even define relationships with children, if those relationships have gotten sticky and exceeded our parameters. We need to define love relationships and what that means to each person. We have a right to ask and receive clear answers. We have a right to make our own definitions and have our own expectations. So does the other person.

Honesty and directness is the only policy. Sometimes we don't know what we want in a relationship. Sometimes the other person doesn't know. But the sooner we can define a relationship, with the other person's help, the sooner we can decide on an appropriate course of conduct for ourselves.

The clearer we can become on defining relationships, the more we can take care of ourselves in that relationship. We have a right to our boundaries, wants, and needs. So does the other person. We cannot force someone to be in a relationship or to participate at a level we desire if he or she does not want to. All of us have a right not to be forced.

Information is a powerful tool, and having the information about what a particular relationship is - the boundaries and definitions of it - will empower us to take care of ourselves in it.

Relationships take a while to form, but at some point we can reasonably expect a clear definition of what that relationship is and what the boundaries of it are. If the definitions clash, we are free to make a new decision based on appropriate information about what we need to do to take care of ourselves.

Today, I will strive for clarity and directness in my relationships. If I now have some relationships that are murky and ill defined, and if I have given them adequate time to form, I will begin to take action to define that relationship. God, help me let go of my fears about defining and understanding the nature of my present relationships. Guide me into clarity - clear, healthy thinking. Help me know that what I want is okay. Help me know that if I can't get that from the other person, what I want is still okay, but not possible at the present time. Help me learn to not forego what I want and need, but empower me to make appropriate, healthy choices about where to get that.

So..I'm thinking of trying again for the military. Possibly Air Force this time.

Yep yep. The remote control. LOL.

I call your name at night just to help me sleep.
Denying what my mind is saying is the truth.
I know you are not good for me.
But you are still in my life.
And for that, I should be happy.
But I can't help but think that I have pushed you away.
It's amazing what one mistake can do.

I purposefully distance myself from you because I tell myself that's what you want.
Why can't I be content with the way things are right now?

This weekend was INCREDIBLE! I went to Kings Dominion with Kat for three glorious days.(Thursday, Friday, and Saturday) Main reason was because there was a concert happening called Kings Fest for all the three days. I got to meet Switchfoot and get their autographs, and I got to meet *my* favorite band for the moment...David Crowder Band. (They truly are an awesome bunch of people.) This was my second time seeing them in concert....and I got their autographs too! ^_^ 

Kat and I ate funnel cake and laughed and rocked our faces off. And I'm so glad that I went. I would do anything to get a pic with them.

I spent so much money...close to $200 if my math is anywhere close to being correct. But it was all well worth it.

I argued with some crazy youth about how many "La's" there were in a song that David Crowder Band sung. It was five(because I pay that much attention to detail)....this one girl almost had a meltdown disagreeing and saying it was four. We were in line to get autographs when all this was happening. So...it was the girls' turn to meet the band...and, most people would say "Hi! You guys were great, you're awesome, I love your music!" The girl I was arguing with, decides that she is going to ask David himself the question!! *shakes head*  Talk about your first impressions.

I was able to ride some rides...and Kat took a picture of me with Ms. Blue...from Blue's Clues. She was so cute!!

After all of that fun stuff...we eventually came home...after making a detour and chilling with Ashley for a little bit. :)

I bought two of David Crowder Band's old cds...and it's like they are so fresh to me. I can't get enough of them.

I was also able to see a band called Skillet and Family Force 5 there as well for the first time. They were really good. I might have to check their music out as well. I already have a favorite song from each of them that I need to have on my iPod or I will burst.

God was definitely in that place and I feel so spiritually energized now.

I've been sick. Since Saturday. It hasn't been good. Thought it was food poisoning. Now I'm realizing that it's a cold, because my sis and stepfather are both sick, and my mother is sicker than she was before. :( Yeah. fun. So I took off another day of work today, because I was coughing my life out yesterday at work, and I felt better sitting and sleeping than I did walking around. And I think I may have gotten one of my co-workers sick too. And now I can hardly speak above a whisper. No bueno.

I'm anticipating Saturday and dreading it at the same time. There's only going to be four people(myself included) getting together to see Ant. The other three people don't know the ending of the story that I posted about here. So I've been on edge about that...because one other person that I thought was coming, is not, so I had to break it to her over the phone...and she cried. I told another person whom I figured wasn't going to make it....and she let it process until the other day, when *she* broke down. So I'm just preparing myself for what will happen next. I haven't really cried since that first week I got the initial news, ya know?

I felt the urge a little today, but I fought it. But I'm doing alright. So don't worry guys. Right now I'm just focusing on getting physically better. Being sick is no fun.

My manager approved in our center meeting yesterday my absence for two days in July(I will be at King's Dominion)...so I guess that's my confirmation. Heh. So yay for that.

I hope you all are doing well!

I went out today and bought a photo album for Ant's sister...so that she can put all of the loose photos together that she has of him. I can't wait to give it to her. On the front it says "Live. Laugh. Love" Which are things Ant loved to do...and things that he pushed myself and others to do as well.

With that...I'm doing alright. I feel bad because I feel like I've allowed my mind to slip with things going on lately( i.e. me spending time with people over the past few weekends, and being preoccupied with things at work) and the other day...Ant popped into my head and I felt so bad, I thought "I forgot about him! He hasn't been in my mind lately." I don't "kind of" miss him. I don't "sort of" miss him...I miss him. Although I don't have to tell you guys that. I wish he was back here. I want him back so badly. I feel selfish for saying that. Am I? I'm emotionally drained...which is a good thing, I guess. I haven't shed a tear in a while. I'm coming to terms with the fact that things are becoming different, changing. But certain things will never be the same without him.

I had a bad start to my work day. One of my managers was trying to explain something to me, and I wasn't getting it. He was getting frustrated and I was becoming more and more angry with myself. It got so bad that, my CM came, tried to explain it to me...I told him I understood, when I didn't so that they wouldn't yell at me anymore and I wouldn't hear the "I don't understand why you aren't getting this, I'm talking in plain english" line again, proceeded to the bathroom and cried.

I found out the other day(along with my other co-workers) that there will be no raises given out this year. Performance Appraisals are coming up soon...so they will just be talks about what we do wrong/right, without the expectation of a raise. Raises won't be given until possibly March of next year. Yeah. Although, I guess I should be glad that I still have a job at this point. Which I am. I just don't know how to take that.

My friend Ida from work isn't doing too well in her world right now. It's just hitting her that her daughter(the one in foster care that I had asked for prayer about a while ago) is being taken away from her. And she broke down. Rightfully so. Poor girl. Keep her in your prayers, please?

My mother told me that my gym teacher that I used to have in middle school, Ms. Patterson, passed away. She was really cool. She and my mother went to school together. My aunt(who is also a part of Alexandria City Public Schools and teaches at T.C. Williams) knew Ms. Patterson. I had to tell other friends that I went to school with that also knew her. Oh man.

"She died from a blood clot that burst in her or around her heart. She had surgery about two weeks ago and last week after having her stitches removed, she was complaining about pain. Thursday evening she collapsed in her kitchen and by the time the ambulance got there, she had expired! What a shame!"

That is what was told to me by a fellow schoolmate. *sigh*

R.I.P. Ms. Patterson. You are dearly missed and forever loved.

Oh my goodness. This book is nothing but truth.

( Timing.. )

Why do I feel like I need you so badly?
Why do I feel like I need to show love to someone?
I can't think of anything else.

It's hard to let go when holding on seems so easy.
I'm not really sure why this nonsense is consuming me
Why can't I just go on living?
I can't seem to tell myself that I don't need anyone. In order to make things easier.

I don't know what I want, what I need.
It seems as though, day by day, the need for attachment, some sort of companionship, grows stronger.
So strong sometimes, that I am overwhelmed by its power.

I really don't know which way to turn.
I need my friends. I want my friends.
I want to know that I'm not as alone as I've been feeling.
I want to show them that I love them more than they could ever know.
I don't want them to leave me. At least without knowing.

Please don't leave me. Please? Stick around...if only for a little while longer.

"I'm Okay" by Chrisette Michele

[Verse 1]
Time don't stop and wait for pain
Pain does fade away in time
Guess it all was just a game
When you gave your heart and I gave mine

[CHORUS]
I'm okay (I'm okay)
I'm just fine
We fade away, hardly crossed my mind

I'm okay (I'm okay)
My memories, they comfort me
Thoughts of what we used to be

[Verse 2]
Must admit you had me fooled
The love felt real, I can't deny
I really wish I did not know the truth
So I could go back to that lovely lie

[CHORUS]

[VAMP]
And it only hurts when I breathe (only hurts, when I breathe)
I can't feel it til I take a breath (take a breath)
And I'm holding on to these false memories
Cause that's all, all that I've got left

I love love LOVE this song. And this video just makes it better. Makes me want to do praise dances like that. This song has ministered to me so much lately. This will be my "song" for a while.

Birthdays are fantastic
Especially my own.
People give me presents
And tell me I have grown;
All my friends arrive for tea
And make a fuss of special me. ~Anon

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!